Creativity Edited & Luster Lost

I've always deleted portions of my fictional stories when they lean toward the macabre. I thought that telling darker tales was inappropriate. I've recently tried to examine why I feel that way.

There's a strong undercurrent in my self-critical process that examines what I expect of myself instead of who I am.

Some if it's elementary - nice girls don't write dark things. Nice girls...nice girl...I think I need to stop trying to compare myself to a lie I've told myself for a long time. I do my best to be decent and do right by others, but there are times to be nice, times to be honest, and time to put on the big girl panties and tell another person off. If I can't allow myself to tell a terrific tale because it may be dark or offensive or lewd, I may as well turn in my geek card.

I don't deserve the right of expression if I'm constantly editing myself and diminishing my vision as an author because of what another person may think.

I've struggled more with this lately than I think I did before. I let the gory and the raw shine brightly in my drafts and when I edit them out, there's nothing original left. I'm not an inspiration or a storyteller because I suffer from the fear of objection, fear of criticism, fear of internal extrapolation.

What do I have to be afraid of?

My life has not been sugar and spice, crumpets and tea...so why do I expect myself to be some kind of America's sweetheart? I have no desire to be a farce-spinning impostor so where does this completely ridiculous expectation come from?

Do I have some kind of phobia that cripples my creative process? I doubt it, but in answering that question, I did find some phobias that I may not actually have, but a few of these fears definitely contribute to my anxiety:

Agateophobia - fear of insanity or becoming insane
Agoraphobia - fear of public places and open spaces
Athazagoraphobia - fear of being ignored or forgotten
Decidophobia - fear of making decisions
Enochlophobia - fear of crowds
Doxophobia - fear of expressing opinions
Metathesiophobia - fear of changes
Paralipophobia - fear of neglecting duty and/or responsibility
Scopophobia - fear of being stared at
Scriptophobia - fear of writing in public
Sociophobia - fear of society or fear of people in general

I'm amazed how many phobias there are out there. I can't imagine what you'd do with a terror of tunnels or the color blue.