Once, Twice, or Fifty Times Upon a Time

I recently got a new mattress which alleviated my previous situation. I had been sleeping on a too soft, too shallow mattress on the floor which robbed me of any meaningful rest.

On one hand, all I want to do is sleep on the blessed thing--I didn't know how exhausted I had truly been until the first night I slept well. On the other hand, I realize how grouchy I'd been the last couple of months.

One thing that I really regret is any night (that it wasn't deplorably past bedtime) I didn't read to or with my kids. Now that they're in separate rooms, I can enter multiple universes in the same day. With my daughter, we enjoyed The Dollhouse Murders while I read Whiskers, the Lonely Kitten with my son.

It's incredible because my daughter is at the age where she reads independently all of the time, so when we read, I nearly always get to read to her. She can pay attention long enough to listen to the story, absorbing each detail as the story takes shape. This is the first time we've read a murder mystery together and I'm ecstatic that she has the same momentum that I always have as a reader. With both of us begging for one more chapter, it's a good thing there are other people to stop us--I've always been the type to push to finish my own reading in one night. Of all of the personality traits she could have inherited from me, obsessive reader is probably the best flaw she could've kept in her genes.

My son, on the other hand, wants to read to me independently until he's too tired to read anymore. He's just started non-beginner chapter books and reading out loud gives him the opportunity to grow. He likes picking the harder books and he doesn't always want help. It's very strange to watch him grow. Every step he takes feels like a trust exercise. Reading to me is his way of saying that he trusts me. I love our time reading and can't wait for the next installment.

I am secretly hoping that he wants to join my daughter and I for her next choice The Land of Stories series. I'm going to offer to have him read to me before so that there's time for both. I have some time to make up for. If you're a parent reading this--never give up story time. Read them once, twice, and fifty times upon a time.

I also have hundreds of my own neglected books. I enjoy reading and writing far more than I do television, but I do frequently sit with others in front of the device. I need to find better balance...I'm happier in the world of books and creativity. I need to get lost in my own thoughts and imagination instead of someone else's poorly written screenplay set to half-rehearsed images. What is the phrase? The first step is admitting you have a problem...something that we've all certainly heard fifty-plus times upon a time.

Creativity Edited & Luster Lost

I've always deleted portions of my fictional stories when they lean toward the macabre. I thought that telling darker tales was inappropriate. I've recently tried to examine why I feel that way.

There's a strong undercurrent in my self-critical process that examines what I expect of myself instead of who I am.

Some if it's elementary - nice girls don't write dark things. Nice girls...nice girl...I think I need to stop trying to compare myself to a lie I've told myself for a long time. I do my best to be decent and do right by others, but there are times to be nice, times to be honest, and time to put on the big girl panties and tell another person off. If I can't allow myself to tell a terrific tale because it may be dark or offensive or lewd, I may as well turn in my geek card.

I don't deserve the right of expression if I'm constantly editing myself and diminishing my vision as an author because of what another person may think.

I've struggled more with this lately than I think I did before. I let the gory and the raw shine brightly in my drafts and when I edit them out, there's nothing original left. I'm not an inspiration or a storyteller because I suffer from the fear of objection, fear of criticism, fear of internal extrapolation.

What do I have to be afraid of?

My life has not been sugar and spice, crumpets and tea...so why do I expect myself to be some kind of America's sweetheart? I have no desire to be a farce-spinning impostor so where does this completely ridiculous expectation come from?

Do I have some kind of phobia that cripples my creative process? I doubt it, but in answering that question, I did find some phobias that I may not actually have, but a few of these fears definitely contribute to my anxiety:

Agateophobia - fear of insanity or becoming insane
Agoraphobia - fear of public places and open spaces
Athazagoraphobia - fear of being ignored or forgotten
Decidophobia - fear of making decisions
Enochlophobia - fear of crowds
Doxophobia - fear of expressing opinions
Metathesiophobia - fear of changes
Paralipophobia - fear of neglecting duty and/or responsibility
Scopophobia - fear of being stared at
Scriptophobia - fear of writing in public
Sociophobia - fear of society or fear of people in general

I'm amazed how many phobias there are out there. I can't imagine what you'd do with a terror of tunnels or the color blue.